Subject and Expectation:
In this third installment recounting his experiences growing up as a Jehovah’s Witness, The Small Town Humanist ventures further into his escape from the world’s most dangerous cult. Part two (found here) covered the confusing childhood years growing up as a Witness. STH now delves into the years spent as a Ministerial Servant in his local congregation. We are also introduced to the three men that took his life from him.
Please know that we love each and every one of you. Contrary to what The Governing Body has been telling you for years, a person that leaves the organization does not automatically become “mentally diseased” just because they left. It is absolutely possible for a person to simply come to logical enlightenment that causes them to have a change of heart and no longer wish to be associated with it. To assume, and to denounce publicly that this person is now mentally diseased is a bit narcissistic and presumptuous…not to mention exposing a bit of a God Complex. Unless you are a born-in, then this is exactly what you did when you became a Witness, leaving your former faith.
It is our hope that you can be a little forgiving and understanding when you encounter a former witness that may be a little upset and perhaps go too far with their activism, turning themselves into a self-fulfilling prophecy for the Watchtower’s description, seeming mentally diseased. Losing everything and being unfairly marked does something to a person that you probably can’t even fathom. Take a second and please consider what emotions you would have if the religion that you left to become a Witness marked you as mentally diseased publicly to everyone that you knew, causing you to lose every single friend and family member for simply leaving to be a Witness? How would you react? How would you feel?
Although we do not condone the way that some former witnesses choose to express their feelings, we completely understand where this anger and emotion come from. We stand by all of them and hope that they find what they need to heal. Our approach is to strive to reach people through patience, empathy, understanding, logical reasoning, and critically thinking our way through the depths of what this religious group has left in its wake.
This is our goal and always will be.
We ask you to please consider reading the following story with an open mind and understand that it was written by a man that devoted the first thirty years of his life to the organization and religion that you belong to. This man did not leave his faith, however. He was falsely disfellowshipped and lost everything, left lonely and alone with nothing and no one. This is his story, exactly how it happened. The words you are about to read are the absolute truth with no embellishment or falsities.
Remember, if Jehovah’s Witnesses are indeed God’s chosen people and the sole possessors of the only “truth” existing on the planet, then I’m sure you would agree that a few written words would be no match for the strength of God’s spirit to protect his people from being swayed just by reading a story.
Have the courage to please keep reading. You just may thank yourself one day.
Let’s begin…
What is a Ministerial Servant?
From the years 1996 to 1999, I served as a Ministerial Servant in my local congregation of Jehovah’s Witnesses. A Ministerial Servant is pretty much what the title denotes. You are essentially a servant or a helper to the Elders (leaders) of your congregation, sharing the responsibilities that allow things to flow properly and to stay relatively organized. This position could very well be compared to a Deacon in a church. The main purpose of a Ministerial Servant is to fulfill clerical and attendant duties, occasionally teaching from the platform and conducting meetings. In many cases, a brother reaches out to be a Ministerial Servant with the intent of hopefully serving as an Elder someday. This was my goal. They are given many opportunities to be in the spotlight in order for them to be observed by the Circuit Overseer that is assigned to that particular congregation and the local Elders. Their spirituality and devotion to the organization are monitored closely.
As with any position of authority or responsibility within the organization of Jehovah’s Witnesses worldwide, Ministerial Servants can only be men. Women are not permitted to carry this responsibility or any other position at all within the organization. Women are viewed as the weaker vessel and are expected to be respectfully submissive to her husband as their head, no matter what. Even if a woman were to be in a situation where there was no man present to pray or conduct a meeting, then a woman is then allowed to step up and do so, only if she wears a head covering to represent her submissiveness to all of the men of the congregation.
The type of responsibilities that you may be assigned can depend on many factors. Who you are, the family that you come from, your speaking ability, how many hours a month you spend preaching to people and going door-to-door, how many years you have been a member of the organization, and so on. You could find yourself being assigned to taking care of the financial obligations of the congregation, paying bills and such, collecting the donations from the congregation members and keeping track of the money. You could be assigned the responsibility of operating the sound system during the meetings. In congregations with very few Elders, you could be called upon to assist in the teaching/speaking from the platform to the congregation at weekly meetings.
Key point: Witnesses believe wholeheartedly that the appointed positions of Elders and Ministerial Servants are both spirit-directed by God. What does this mean? It means that they believe with every fiber of their being as a group that when a man is appointed as an Elder or a Servant, that Jehovah God directed the appointment of this man himself by means of his Holy Spirit. Pretty serious stuff, and not to be taken lightly at all. Remember this point for later on.
An Introduction to the Three Men That Changed My Life Forever
This happened to be the case in the local congregation that I grew up in; we only had three Elders and there were six of us servants. There were many duties to be shared among all of us. Not to mention that all three of the elders were family men with wives and children to make time for. Almost all of us servants were also married and had families at home, but it definitely seemed that our time with our families was not as important as theirs.
So, let’s introduce the three men that changed my life forever. We’re going to give these Elders very average names. Fred, Ray, and Joe.
- The Presiding Overseer
Ray served as what’s called the Presiding Overseer for our local congregation; every congregation has one. This person manages/presides over pretty much everything…the entire goings on and all of the other positions. Ray was not at all made for a position like this. A Presiding Overseer must have excellent multitasking skills, thorough organizational skills, refined communication skills, impeccable concentration, and of course great leadership skills. Ray had none of these qualities. He was generally a kind older man with relatively good intentions. However, we’re talking about presiding over a group of human beings that you were spirit-directed by God to do, managing the organization that houses their faith, overseeing the place where they worship their God as the only true religion on the planet.
Ray’s presentations were choppy and usually a confusing mess with no clear path towards a point of teaching. Although being in his later years of life, he stammered around on the stage like a nervous teenager being forced to speak in public. It was completely obvious that he was constantly unprepared and was usually winging it most of the time. His ties were crooked and clothes a mess, as were his teaching skills. He was notorious for being late or not showing up at all sometimes. Obviously, this forced someone else to give an impromptu presentation to the audience. This happened on many occasions.
Years later, it came out that Ray had molested his own daughter when she was very young. She came out with the accusation in her forties in our congregation. She had stayed silent long enough. No one ever knew up to that point besides him, her, and I guess God, who did nothing to stop it from happening. And yet, here he was in this vital role of presiding over a group of people that were God’s chosen ones. I guess God’s spirit must not have been working the day that he was appointed to such a sacred role.
- The Service Overseer
Joe served as the congregation’s Service Overseer. The most common characteristic of Jehovah’s Witnesses known worldwide is the fact that they go door-to-door preaching. You may recall from our two-part series on cults that they use a tactic called “Loading the Language?” Jehovah’s Witnesses do this so much that they really could almost have their own dictionary. They refer to their preaching work as going out in “field service.” Thus, the Service Overseer for a local congregation has the main responsibility of managing and overseeing how the entire congregation and every individual within are carrying out the responsibility of preaching in the local community that it has been assigned to cover on a regular basis. To reiterate…Jehovah’s Witnesses view the preaching work that they do as the most important work being done on this planet; nothing trumps it. Who really was this man that was placed in charge of this ever so significant work?
A little back history on Joe. At the time that I was a servant in the mid 1990s, Joe was around his mid-forties. He had begun studying the bible with one of our members a few years back and got baptized as one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. It had quickly become common knowledge throughout the entire congregation of Joe’s past, prior to becoming one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. The reason for this was because of the openness and candidness with which Joe spoke to pretty much anyone that inquired as to his past. Before becoming a witness, Joe was an extreme drug addict. As a matter of fact, he did so many drugs that you might say he was a little bit of a space cadet, as a result from all the brain damage of his youth that he induced with heavy drug use.
Let me describe for you what it was like to be in Joe’s presence. On many occasions during the meetings, you could be so lucky as to witness him completely spacing out, staring off into the wild blue yonder with his mouth wide open, sporadically smiling at nothing in particular. It was a wonderful example for newly interested ones attending the meetings to see as an example of “God’s chosen people.” Even a child could see that Joe’s porch light had been flickering for some time. I remember being out in field service with him once. There we were, all dressed up in our suits driving down a country road heading to study the Bible with an interested person. Joe was driving. He turns on the radio and blasts it as loud as it will go….Bob Dylan’s voice bellowing from the speakers….”but I would not feel so all alone…EVERYBODY MUST GET STONED!”
Nonetheless, this was the man that the organization (and essentially God’s spirit) saw fit to put into the position of being completely responsible for overseeing the entire preaching work for the whole congregation in our community.
Just like Ray, it had also become public knowledge in later years that Joe had molested a child many years ago before he became a Witness. He was a convicted pedophile. Again, no one was aware of this for years. Maybe I’m being a little overly critical here, but I guess God’s spirit was also not working the day that he was appointed to such a critical role either. He works in mysterious ways you know.
- The Treasurer
Fred and his family moved from a nearby congregation to ours when I was in my late teens. With the family came some dramatic rumors that there was an incident at their former congregation that induced the move. Although I tried not to pay too much attention to the rumor mill, it was very hard to ignore because many were talking. To this day I am still unaware as to what happened to cause them to abruptly move here. I do remember one brother that drew close to their family and ended up finding out the reason. One day it was brought up in conversation and I remember him saying with a distraught look on his face, “you wouldn’t believe the reason that they were reassigned to our congregation if I told you….it’s really bad!”
And so, these were the three men that were leading the congregation. These were the men that had our spirituality in their hands.
My Time Spent as a Ministerial Servant
Between the years 1996 and 1999, I had many different responsibilities. I was in charge of the sound system and microphone handling schedule for weekly meetings. I led the group in morning field service on Saturdays and Sundays. I said the opening and closing prayers for the weekly meetings on occasion. I gave the first half of a public discourse a couple of times on Sundays. I gave many 15-minute presentations in the Thursday evening meetings. I conducted the hour-long Tuesday evening book studies occasionally and conducted many bible studies with interested ones.
Looking at all of that volunteer work I did back then for the sake of religion, God and helping others with their faith, some may look at it as if I were a good person. I disagree. Now that I am in my mid-forties and I look back on what I hope to be the first “half” of my life, I think I can say with all certainty that I was probably the worst version of myself ever, during those years. I was never more fake, shallow, and completely untrue to myself than I was inside of religion. You might think that this makes no sense because I had achieved a position in my religion of somewhat respect? It doesn’t make any sense right? Wasn’t I supposed to have God’s backing? Didn’t his spirit direct me and my actions because I was appointed by his holy spirit?
Flashback to My Mistake
In the year 1997, I was a Production Supervisor in a manufacturing industry facility. I spent some time on the afternoon shift, managing all of the production lines and a few of the departments. There was a woman that worked for me then. We will call her Hayley. Hayley was a very tall and attractive woman with dark skin, toned and long legs, long flowing dark hair, and a beautiful face. She worked in the evenings as a stripper in a gentleman’s club approximately an hour away from the city that we worked and lived in.
I knew of her moonlighting gig because she incessantly went into details with me of her stories at that club, her escapades that took place after hours, and the many propositions I received to join her. Hayley was by all definition, exactly my type physically and sexually. As she would daily go on and on about all of the wild and crazy things she had gotten into, I did my very best to behave not only on the outside, but also on the inside. I was raised with the fear that if I disobeyed Jehovah God that I would lose my place in the paradise on the Earth soon to come.
The propositions made to me by Hayley were very intriguing and many times the imperfect side of me came very close to caving and giving in to temptation. However, I always turned it down. Even though it was very hard to pass up because I was young and horny, with this experienced exotic dancer constantly offering me anything I wanted sexually, I asked her to please stop pressuring me so much. It was getting hard to say no. She went easy on me and did so for a while.
Then one day an employee and I were sharing our weekend plans. I had told him that since my wife was going to be gone all weekend that I was going to go sand my Grandmother’s front porch and paint it for her. Unbeknownst to me, he had informed Hayley of my plans. Saturday afternoon comes and I am on my Grandmother’s porch, sanding away. She is not home because she was at work all day.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see someone pull into the driveway. It’s Hayley. I’m shocked as to how she even knew how to find me, that I would even be there. After learning quickly how she found out where I was going to be, I decided to make small talk. She then compliments how nice the house is and asks to have a tour. Now comes my stupid mistake; I agreed to give her a tour of the house. We go inside, tour the whole house and end up down in the foyer, ready to go back outside, so I can see her off.
Just as I motion for the door, she grabs my face with both of her hands and kisses me hard but soft. The kiss is extremely intense but does not last very long. As I try to find it within myself to resist the temptation to continue, within a few seconds she has me on the floor and begins to unzip my pants. She then puts her mouth on me.
Jehovah’s Witnesses are taught that oral sex is extremely wrong, unclean, not biblical, not allowed, and in some cases a reason to lose privileges within the congregation, and possibly even being put on public reproof in front of the entire congregation as a repercussion. That religiously indoctrinated fear that was inside of me, coupled with the feelings of guilt and shame that I was trained from birth to achieve when taking part in anything I believed to be immoral, caused me to stop it within approximately 30 seconds of her mouth being placed on me.
After pushing her off of me, standing up and zipping my pants up, I asked her to please leave. I wasn’t mean about it, or harsh. I simply stated that I could not go through with this, that it wasn’t who I was. I sent her on her way. Nothing ever happened again with Hayley.
Fear-based Decision Making
One of the deepest and most effective details in the psychological mold of a victim of the Jehovah’s Witness cult is something that can stay with you for the rest of your life, even decades after leaving the organization. There are not many emotions in the life of a Jehovah’s Witness that stand a chance against the incredibly deep fear that is indoctrinated in you to do whatever is necessary to avoid Jehovah‘s wrath. Making life decisions based on this morbid fear is not healthy for humans. When you grow up with the visuals in the Watchtower publications and books, depicting Jehovah destroying babies and children, or slaughtering mass amounts of people, simply for not being one of Jehovah’s Witnesses, there aren’t many words to describe what this does to a young child that learns from these depictions.
I was born into the religion, as opposed to having somewhat of a life prior to being indoctrinated. I was what is sometimes referred to as a “born-in.” I’m sure at this point, there is at least a few religious people reading this that may present the argument that the media, movies, video games, and television depict equally disturbing images and sometimes even worse. However, fictional entertainment is one thing. It’s a completely different case when you are a child growing up in an organization that you believe to be the only group of people in the entire world that has God’s blessing, that you are the chosen ones, and are taught that if you stray from that group, or do anything wrong at all, then you will also be destroyed and slaughtered by that same God.
There I was, a young man in his early 20s who just lost his virginity a few years prior on his wedding night nonetheless, who found himself in a very unique situation….on the floor with an incredibly attractive woman all over him. I’m guessing that just about every guy reading this can’t understand where I found the strength to push her off of me and stop the action. What should have stopped me, or at least had been even a small part of my decision to stop her, was the fact that I was married. However, being the age I was and how immature about real life I was, and considering what was happening to me, being married possessed 0% of my mental capacity at the moment.
One thing and one thing only stopped me. The fear of being destroyed by God, never to exist again for all of eternity.
Deciding to Step Down and Come Clean
My wife and I spent the remaining two years of our marriage attempting to fake our way through, portraying ourselves to be the best Jehovah’s Witness couple we could be. We knew that we had many that looked up to us. Whether it was younger teenage brothers and sisters that looked to us as an example of a spiritually strong young couple, or one of the newer couples that had come out of the world and joined the congregation, or even so many of the elderly ones that had seen other young ones in the congregation make bad decisions which led to them being disfellowshipped from the congregation, losing everything and everyone.
Of course, none of this was enough for me. I hadn’t been happy in years, since she dropped the bomb on me in our first year of marriage that she never wanted to have children on this side of Armageddon. I wanted to have children more than anything in this world and she knew this. There was a time when she felt the same way but that changed. When you have your own unborn children taken away from you, it does something to you that is unfixable.
In 1999, we took a trip to the world headquarters of Jehovah’s Witnesses, located in New York City. This place is called Bethel, which of course is a biblical term of a Hebrew origin that means ‘house of God.’ We had planned this trip approximately a year earlier. We ended up staying with some brothers and sisters for about a week and a half because it was free. Aside from the tour of the facility, we ended up spending almost the whole time in New York separated. I walked the streets of this beautiful city alone, watching this world that I didn’t even know existed, pass by me at an amazing rate. I immediately fell in love with the city and everything about it. It was like I was seeing another world.
As I walked around day and night by myself, I knew I had a huge decision to make. Being in the most famous city in the world helped me to work through my thoughts and helped me to make the decisions. The most famous city in the world. The “world” in which I was raised from birth to believe was dying and worthy of destruction by God because it was so immoral. Here I was in the heartbeat of the world, walking around in awe of everything that I was deprived of, or that I deprived myself of because I firmly believed that it was worthless, on its way out, and without God’s spirit. It wasn’t just New York City, it was a representation of a world that I had missed out on for the last thirty years. What an awful feeling that was. I cried often that week.
I had to decide what I wanted and how I wanted my life to end up. If I stayed with her in that meaningless marriage, I would never have children for the rest of my life and would never really have known true love or even what it meant to be happy. If I continued to serve as a Ministerial Servant I would certainly persist in spending every spare minute of my life serving the religion, serving those men, serving the congregation…not having anything left for self-improvement or for me.
Nothing is ever enough being a Witness. The concentration is never heavy on commendations. The focus is always on how you can do more for the religion and God, never satisfied and never enough. Time is of the essence; we must save as many as possible before God decides to destroy everyone in the world that’s not a Jehovah’s Witness. There is no time to focus on yourself and if you do, you can bet that you will be made to feel that you are selfish.
Not only was I going to inform her of what happened two years prior with Hayley, but I was also going to inform her when we got back home that I was stepping down from being a Ministerial Servant and that I was going to leave her and stay with my grandmother. I needed space. I needed to be away from her and away from all of it.
Enter The Perfect Storm
When I think about stories of the sea, I can’t help but think of that old phrase…the calm before the storm. When we got home, I told her everything. The calming that came over me was indescribable. I will not even attempt to articulate it.
The storm that ensued, however…I plan on describing to the Nth degree. Why? Because what happened next was so bad that I want as many people as possible to be aware of the inner workings of the Jehovah’s Witness religion so that they can make a more informed decision as to joining it, staying in it, or even encouraging anyone else to look into it.
Continued in Part Four: The Events Leading up to Being Disfellowshipped
P.S.
If you are a Witness that has made it all the way through this story, your future self thanks you more than you know, trust me. If you wish to keep going in your research, click here to read a two-part series breaking down the 8 criteria for thought reform that the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society has been using for over a century, making it the most perfectly executed system of mind control and undue influence ever devised.
