Subject and Expectation:
Please welcome guest author Cliff Washington. Washington is a fan of The Small Town Humanist and one of our avid readers. As you’ll see from his story, he had quite the eye-opening experience a couple of months back. The outcome of his unpleasant incident caused him to reassess his feelings towards his own life in his mid-forties, and he decided to document those feelings, not only for his own personal expression but also with the intent of possibly helping others. His words touched our hearts to the core and we wanted to share it with all of our readers. We feel that many could certainly benefit from his thought-provoking words. Hope you enjoy!
Enter Diverticulitis
On August 4th, 2019, I started having what I thought were really intense intestinal pains and cramping. After 2 days of writhing in pain, wondering if this was what women went through every month and like maybe I was being a baby, I asked/begged my wife to take me to the emergency room. It turned out I had Perforated Diverticulitis. What that means is sometime a few weeks ago, something small, likely seed-like, came strolling through my digestive tract and got embedded in the small pockets in my intestine that have formed because of my questionable diet and choices over the years. Then this foreign body got infected and eventually punctured through my intestinal wall and started wreaking all kinds of abdominal havoc.
I was admitted to the hospital and given a cornucopia of fluids and antibiotics. My appetite was nonexistent and I laid in bed for a week, pain surging through my midsection and my back. Fun Fact: Hospital beds are modern-day Iron Maidens and morphine had little effect on me. I was told I had terrible veins for extracting blood and that I would never be a good junkie. Comforting sentiments in a different context, but in this situation, it held little solace.
After a week’s ‘convalescence,’ I had not made much progress and it was decided that I needed surgery. I went under with the help of some well-crafted anesthesia and woke up with 7 inches less of my intestines then when I went in. The entire infected section was now gone and I could heal and go back to my normal life. Except there was one little addendum to the situation – for the next three months, my tailpipe was disconnected and I have a new fashion accessory attached to my side. I won’t go into details, but yes, I am the proud owner of a colostomy bag. I’ll admit it and own it, I’m not ashamed. I need it until my innards heal and can be reattached to the necessary plumbing.
I’ve been out of the hospital for a week and go back to work tomorrow. I feel a lot better and have resumed some aspects of my day to day life, although I’ll have to figure out how maintaining my bag will coincide with the demanding contractors I deal with at work.
Three Realities That Slapped Me In The Face
I have some thoughts, observations, and utterances that I’d like to express from the last few weeks and I hope some will provoke responses in your life or at least a casual thought.
1 Nurses, like teachers and military officers, are the backbone of our civilization. They put up with unspeakable and unfathomable situations every day, all day at work. They came into my room every few hours with a smile and tended to my every need. Sure, I couldn’t get an uninterrupted night’s sleep, but they had a job to do. More than one teared up with me when I randomly told them about how I was feeling, my fears and just my trepidation about resuming my previous life.
I got to know some a little and hear some of their stories about people they knew with my condition. It was very comforting and helped walk me down from the ledge on more than a few occasions. All three of the previously mentioned professions should get whatever pay, benefits and health care they want, period, no questions asked. If you know one, give them a hug, a handshake or just a damn “Thank You.”
2 Hospitals are one of the most depressing places on earth. I had ok days and I had many more dark days than I care to admit. There is nothing to do but crawl so deep in your own head that you don’t know reality from fantasy. Think about it, you have nothing to do and nowhere to go. Nurses come in every 2-4 hours, all day and night, to draw blood, take your vitals, change your IV bags and check your blood sugar. And that was just me; there were many other people in much worse shape than I was.
But the lack of sleep, along with the constant poking and prodding, along with the constant pain from not only my incisions and stoma (that’s what the hole in my side that’s connected to my bag is called) made for many unusual thoughts and images in my head. I had Steely Dan playing “Hey 19” on constant repeat in my head for some reason. I love classic rock, so it’s not that out of the ordinary, but this damn song would not shut up! My wife taught me a trick that if you have a song stuck in your head, try changing it to “ABC” by the Jacksons and whatever song you had knocking around will be gone. It actually works most of the time, but my thick head was not getting with the program. “The Cuervo Gold, the fine Columbian,” All. Night. Long.
I had many other thoughts and feelings all day long. My wife and mother, as well as my friends and family, through visits, texts and calls helped pull me out of the quicksand in the Swamps of Sadness. I am eternally grateful to you all, you have no idea what your sentiments meant to me. I look forward to the day we can hoist a beer together. That being said, there are people out there that deal with this darkness every day. No one has any idea of what they are going through. It could be something that most people would be perfectly equipped to handle or it could be totally rooted in the realm of that person’s fantasies and horrors.
Not everyone grew up with the tools to handle or process life’s hurdles. Some people grew up with terrible or abusive parents. Some people had horrific things happen to them through no fault of their own. Some people are just wired differently than you and I. The point is, not everyone may have been as fortunate as you growing up or navigating life’s labyrinth. Crazy things can happen to someone in the blink of an eye, no matter your social or financial background.
You can lose everything just like that and it’s not a matter of being “lazy” or “pulling yourself up by your bootstraps.” I really want to punch people that say those kinds of things. Everyone needs help at some point in their lives. Not everyone has mommy and daddy to save them. If you see someone struggling, or even just have a feeling they are hurting, don’t guess. Just say hello or acknowledge them or give them a hug and tell them what they mean to you. Or at the very least, be kind to everyone and don’t be a dick. It costs nothing and could make a huge difference in someone’s life.
3 Finally, true love doesn’t happen every day. You have to be in a good place with yourself, be able to be alone and choose to either be single or be in a relationship. Only then are you open to finding someone if you choose that. Blindly clinging on to someone because you’re lonely is the worst reason to get into a relationship and that was my M.O. for years.
Seven years ago I was finally in a good headspace to find someone and boy, did I ever! She came into my life and though we don’t need to have someone in our lives, we have chosen to and we have a stronger and deeper love than we’ve ever experienced before. We have a mutual respect and understanding of who we really are and we wouldn’t ever think of changing each other. You fall in love with people for a reason, why would you want to change that?! Ok, to be fair, she does probably want to change my absolute disdain for country music, but she keeps allowing me to think that my sarcastic remarks about it are funny.
True love is about learning everything about someone, warts and all, and still loving them completely. And when my amazing wife first emptied my colostomy bag with no hesitation or reservation, I had a pretty good inkling that she really loved me. She’s definitely a keeper. I love her with all of my heart and hope I don’t ever have to do this kind of thing for her because I will be woefully inadequate compared to her amazing nursing skills. That and I don’t handle blood, vomit, and feces well when it’s not my own. I mean, I’ll do it, but she’s probably going to want to get a different nurse…
Carpe that Diem… Because You Never Know
I think I’m done now dumping all of this in the public sphere, thank you for reading if you’re still here. Thank you once again to all that sent words of encouragement and busted my balls a little. I love making people laugh, even at my own expense. So when we see each other, feel free to make jokes, or even just ask anything you’re curious about. I’m not shy, after all, I’ve had many young, pretty nursing students all up in my business (and not in a good way). But I think the biggest takeaway from all this is very cliche…but true.
Seize the day, do that thing you’ve always wanted to try. Say that thing to that person. Don’t just sit there and get old. Rage against the dying of the light. Life will hit you upside the head with the ugly stick at any time, regardless of background, age or health. You can prepare all you want, saving money or stockpiling things or making contingency plans. And doing all that can certainly help and I wholeheartedly encourage cushions and backup, but there are some things you can’t even think of to prepare against.
Of course, the best thing you can do is to start a savings. I used to be terrible with money, I had no role models growing up that showed me how to responsibly manage my money. Then in my late 30’s (yes, my LATE 30’s), my psycho ex introduced me to Dave Ramsey. I guess she was a teeny bit helpful to my life. Anyway, I’m not going to be a walking advert for him, but look him up and get his main book. His ideas are simple, but effective and will require a LOT of patience and discipline, but he will change your life financially if you put his ideas into practice. I don’t follow Ramsey to the letter anymore, but the main core principles are my guiding light and I have not been caught by an unexpected expense without having the savings to cover it for years now. My wife and I are saving towards moving to Florida and even though we have enjoyed a certain level of lifestyle in the past few years, we’re still both working our tails off to realize our goals for the future.
Make a Life of Experiences, Not Objects
My wife and I have had a few epiphanies in our middle-agedness. We want to make a life of experiences, not objects. If I leave this world with a lifetime of priceless memories, I will be richer than any person with money and possessions. We are picky about who our friends are. I hate to say it, but sometimes I think I value my friends over my family. Full disclosure – I am an only child from divorced parents and not a terribly close extended family. So I don’t have a lot of the tight-knit family experiences that some have.
I find that my friends are more valuable to me because I pick them and grow my relationship with them, rather than being stuck with them from birth. Because I have a group of friends that I’ve mostly known my whole life, they would lie down in traffic for me and vice versa. They are my family and they sometimes annoy the hell out of me, but I love each and every one of them and I will tell them, I will hug them, and I will do anything within my power that they need me to do.
The other life lesson we’ve learned is about your job and this is 100% my opinion and experience. I know that people are on both spectrums when it comes to your job. Some people loathe their jobs and some absolutely love their work and are extremely satisfied with what they do. I personally don’t know anyone like that. I’m a firm believer that no one would do their job if they weren’t getting paid for it. Ok, maybe if you were rescuing animals or a professional roller coaster tester.
In my experience, all the people I know that make a lot of money are absolutely miserable in their job and life, whether they talk about it or not. They are chained to the office and have no free time. Although some people are probably ok with that, they don’t have to be around their spouse and kids, to me that’s not a lifestyle conducive to overall mental and physical health. These people are prone to alcoholism and other risky behaviors.
I have a good job, it doesn’t make me a boatload of money, but it makes enough to support the lifestyle that I currently enjoy. My wife and I go for long weekends out of town, we recently took my teenage son on his first cruise for his 16th birthday and we are what I would almost classify as socialites around our city. Other people might tell us to act our age and not go out so much, but I’ve never felt better in my life (current medical situation notwithstanding) mentally, physically and financially.
It might be mean or catty, but I would tell those people to get their heads out of their kid’s butts and rediscover who they are beyond their kids. You are still a person that had hopes and dreams before the youngins came along. You can still be a responsible parent and have a life. Otherwise, you’re going to get to the point where the kids are gone and you have no idea what to do with yourself or who you really are anymore. There’s still a great big world out there and guess what? You can experience it with AND without your kids! A mind-blowing concept, to be sure.
In Conclusion
Those are the big things I’ve learned in this whole medically induced soap opera and since finally fitting into my big boy pants as a (sometimes) responsible adult. Hopefully, some of what I’ve said makes sense and can be applied to your life. If not, no harm, no foul. Enjoy yourself out there in the wild blue yonder. If you see me, I’ll be the one making a fool of myself, but loving every minute of it. So in that vein, I have things to do and places to go. I’ll go to my job on Monday, but it is a means to an end only and I refuse to be tethered to it. I hope we meet each other soon and get to talk about our experiences and maybe make some new ones together. Be good to yourself, but just as importantly, be good to others. I don’t believe in God, but I do believe in the spirit and idea of karma and what you put out there will eventually come back around to you. So you keep sending me good vibes and I’ll do the same, right back at ‘ya.
